There is no such thing as “dating” in my South Africa. You’re either in a relationship, hooking up, single, or in the friendzone. A large emerging category is that of the “blessee” who plays that position with a full understanding of their roles & responsibilities as bestowed upon them by their so called blesser (think socially accepted sugar baby – sugar daddy relationship).
Those who use dating apps do so as an experimental endeavor, resulting in multiple unfinished conversation threads and threats at meeting up at so-and-so cafe for lunch on so-and-so-date.
My first visit to New York came in the form of an all-expenses-paid trip with my sister as a result of winning a radio contest. Although my sister and I had a whirlwind experience, including a five star hotel stay in the Lower East Side and our own black H2 Hummer limo decked out with a designated driver and fancy drinks— by the end of it, I felt that New York was a wonderful place to visit but not to live in. I was only 19 and felt that I would get swallowed by the tall buildings and big personalities. Ten years later, in my late 20’s, I decided I had grown big enough to withstand the forces. I booked another trip to New York.
The purpose of my trip was to evaluate whether I could actually sustain myself and comfortably call New York City home for at least 6 years while I studied. My trip was only 3 months long, which felt like just the right amount of time to make a decision.
Before arriving in New York a second time I had some catch-up conversations with friends. After sharing my disastrous love life’s misadventures, I asked my friends what their dating experiences had been like. They varied greatly only in degree of how shocking and terrible their encounters had also been. They advised that if I were to consider making use of the most popular dating app, Tinder, I should expect only sexual rendezvous.
“New Yorkers, love to hit it and quit it, nobody is looking for anything serious besides their careers”.
Sexual escapades would not be useful for me— I was deliberately celibate & not looking to change that. So my friends pointed to it as a great way to explore the city— to get a small peek into how others moved through it. I kept this in mind when I eventually arrived in New York at the tail end of winter of 2017.
I spoke to a few people on Tinder, figuring out how the app worked. It felt like a game which was simultaneously exhilarating and concerning. I also tried Bumble which had a section dedicated to friend connections and business networking. I couldn’t get over how odd it was to switch between the three modes. Imagine texting something dirty to a potential business connection— no thanks! I ended up sticking to Tinder.
My first date was with Charlie. He and I were firmly frolicking in the friendzone, and in fact he felt more like a pen pal than anything else. Both being 80’s kids that attended gender-specific Catholic schools, we joked about this, reminiscing on the times we were urged by our English teachers to keep a pen pal so as to improve our social skills and penmanship. We wrote long paragraph after paragraph in response to each other, giving as much as the other gave. It felt comfortable, kind and genuine.
Leading up to meeting him, I began to worry that seeing him would remove the closeness and respect we had built on the app. My concerns grew: he or I may not be as interesting in person as we were in the safety of text and googleable links.
Charlie suggested we meet at Harry’s, an italian place in the Financial District. Here, we shared three glasses of wine, a large pizza pie, and our life histories in more detail. On this date, I learned that Charlie was comfortable talking and carrying the conversation. I also learned that when he was nervous, he talked a mile a minute, struggling to leave quiet spaces. I enjoyed listening to Charlie, he was funny and interesting. We later walked along the seaport, watching boats come and go. Unbeknownst to me, that first date would be the beginning of a two year long relationship.
Date number two was inspired by something I said in date number one, about loving Sushi. He told me about a sweet potato sushi that he implored me to try. I did and loved it. We walked around Washington Square park where he boldly asked me what I was doing on Tinder. I was gobsmacked. I had never been in a situation where a man had willingly asked me what I was looking for or wanted in the context of a relationship. I stumbled and told him I wasn’t ready for exclusivity and that I was talking to other people on Tinder, too. He was in the exact same situation. Relieved, he introduced me to his love of arcade games at the St. Marks Barcade. I had never seen anything like it— the levels of nostalgia were at an all time high!
We returned to the Financial District for a candlelit dinner at a restaurant whose name escapes us both. It was dimly lit, we shared some meals and I accidentally dropped and broke a sideplate. We got to know each other by playing an intimate question game called “The AND”. By the end of this date, I couldn’t deny that some romantic feelings were forming and I liked it. That night we kissed in front of the Staten Island Ferry, the blue lights from the sign adding a memorable color to that moment. We would share many kisses under that light. Charlie lived in Staten Island— a place many had advised me not to date people from.
Both of us loved live music, so on our fourth date we ventured to Williamsburg where we had the worst dining experience of our lives. The food arrived cold, tasteless, and without character— just like our server. We walked to Baby’s All Right to watch Infinity Crush live. We wanted to spend more time together, so we walked across the Williamsburg Bridge, stopped in the Lower East Side for cold green tea, and walked back over the bridge; talking, kissing and enjoying the views.
I arranged our fifth date, which involved going to DUMBO and riding on Jane’s Carousel. We grabbed some hot dogs, warm pretzels, and cold sodas and walked over the Brooklyn Bridge a second time. Charlie was still trying to impress me. He took the best pictures of me, and when I looked at them I felt beautiful, something I hardly ever felt when I looked at my pictures. It made me feel as though that’s how he saw me.
It’s been 2 years and we are still eating and walking our way through New York City! We often talk about whether or not we would have had such a love story if we didn’t court and date in NYC. We consider both New York and Tinder as our matchmakers! My friends still can’t believe my luck. I chalk it up to the fact that I had never been on a true dating experience before and was able to appreciate its value in a way they couldn’t. But I couldn’t deny that the stars had truly aligned. What were the odds that me, a nearly 30, single South African, Leo, black girl from a township would fall in love with a nearly 30, Nuyorican, Libra, Staten-Islander who had a crazy, loving family just like my own! My friends were also particularly picky about which boroughs they would be open to travelling to. I dunno, I love boat rides and a ferry trip to Staten Island is often what I need to clear my mind.