my type has a million tattoos and a weird personality
my type reads more than they write, listens more than they talk, and mulls over easy decisions with irritating care
my type looks like they smell
my type prefers to fuck in dark silence: no music, no strobe lights, no theatrics
my type lies about their music taste until it’s too late and we’re both pretending to like St. Vincent
my type lies about their kinks until it’s too late and we’ve already invested in dilators
my type lies to their therapist
my type lies about having a therapist
my type lies for fun, but I can never prove it
my type has stomach issues, but won’t, no can’t, give up dairy
my type’s favorite movies are Heathers, Being John Malkovich, and BIG, in no particular order
my type has developed an illogical toxic romantic connection with Augustus Waters, not Ansel Elgort, but Augustus Waters
my type despises Ansel Elgort
my type hates at least one of their parents for a really good reason and the other for no reason at all
my type would never say that their favorite writer is Jack Kerouac
my type fell asleep while reading On The Road, but kind of likes The Dharma Bums
my type feels personally victimized by Mailer, Pollock, and Woody Allen.
my type has never finished The Office (and never will)
my type wouldn’t have voted for Obama for a third term
my type rejects the idea that, “at Amazon, we are a family”
my type doesn’t romanticize the Coasts, but will never go back to Ohio
my type spends hours inside of museums with a pen and paper, but never writes anything down and is never going to
my type thinks museums are a pretentious waste of time, and he is wrong
my type has had an abortion
my type lost their virginity at camp, on a lake, in the dead of winter, with their best friend, with their twin brother in the room, on a couch, in a movie theatre, doesn’t count it, lies about it frequently, can’t remember it, didn’t feel anything and cries about it every January
my type has nothing bad to say about Beyoncé
my type has secret generational white blood money they refuse to acknowledge, but it put them through college
my type thinks we all failed Megan Fox
my type has $14 in their bank account
my type is afraid of their mother
my type never compliments fat girls on their “confidence.” In quotations. Or otherwise.
my type would rather paint an entire two-story house with a toothbrush than spend even 30 seconds listening to Ben Shapiro
my type doesn’t believe in “hearing both sides”
my type is a child of immigrants
my type still loves their racist grandma
my type has an excessive collection of porn downloaded onto their computer in a secret file with a password and the password is “cautious”
my type self-diagnoses every ailment on her body and in her mind, especially those within her mind
my type has a subscription to The New Yorker, but has never received a single issue
my type understands the brilliance of bees
my type lost their mother when they were young
my type has food issues, but doesn’t put them on me
my type is actively gentrifying a neighborhood, but is too selfish to leave
my type has commitment issues, a shaky sense of self-worth and is finally dating age-appropriate women
my type thinks I’m age-appropriate and he is wrong
my type doesn’t stan CEOs (and yes, I’m talking about Elon Musk)
my type will never be out of debt
my type speaks three languages, but none of them well
my type knows the difference between living in New York and being a New Yorker
my type knows that their apartment is haunted
my type laughs at astrology because they are a Virgo sun, Cancer rising, Gemini moon
my type has a stacked closet filled with clothes they can’t afford
my type grew up in foster care
my type masturbated for six years with an electric toothbrush
my type has gotten a box-kit perm
my type has some tweets they should delete
my type is still in love with their ex, but won’t admit that out loud and that’s okay because I’m in love with mine too
my type’s parents still pay their rent
my type is 30 years old
my type finds award shows boring, but red carpets exciting
my type does not laugh at so-called “women’s work”
my type can’t quit their office job
my type is protective of their little sister to the point of sweet nauseum
my type had a breakdown and shaved off their hair one summer
my type finds no pleasure in pranks, can’t stick to a routine, and hasn’t come out to their family
my type played D1 soccer in college and they are very gay
my type used to think edgy humor was cute before his rebrand last summer
my type has a close friend they have slept with a few times “on accident”
my type studied Gender Studies and is afraid for the future
my type is a little bit shy and a little bit sad
my type wanted to ask me out last year, but I was still dating that girl
my type looks exactly like I do
my type is an enigma, a ghost
my type doesn’t think they’re my type and they’re wrong
my type doesn’t think I’m their type and they’re wrong
my type has already broken your heart and will certainly break mine