Overly outgoing female seeks to mend missed connection with fellow headphone user. We met on the elevator, in the building we both reside in. I will not disclose the address, as I would hope we both know it already, and for safety reasons. I will, however, absolutely disclose my social security number upon request. I stood outside of the elevator, and noticed your hoodie. In a sea of hoodies, yours gleamed like the tears I once shed, mourning the possibility of such things because I’m a college student working two low wage jobs.
You noticed me admiring it, and I knew I had to compliment you for the sake of preserving my creep level. My creep level currently stands at a 6 out of 10, and I had hoped to keep it there with a simple acknowledgement that no, I am not checking you out, I just enjoy your hoodie taste. The ding of the elevator sounded, and we scurried into it with other building residents. Again, among a sea of much less respectable hoodies. The floors grew higher, and people began to exit. I knew I had to shoot my shot at preserving my level 6 status. I yanked out my left earbud and turned to you with a smile, picturing a wonderful friendship in which we laugh and lick ice cream cones, create a business empire as a duo, and of course, borrow each other’s clothes. I turned to you and made a casual attempt at saying, “your hoodie is so cute by the way,” to which I was greeted by the sound of “Feel No Ways” by Drake thundering out of your airpods. Airpods? I thought to myself, I bet you haven’t had ramen for every meal the past eight days. Sweetgreen only. I continued to half-smile in your direction for around a half-second, and came to the conclusion that you were either distracted by the deliciously composed beats made by Drizzy himself, or that you simply did not speak the same language as poor people. This brings me to my application for friendship.
My hobbies include: wearing less intricate hoodies, being able to hold a conversation, being extremely able to end a conversation, being extremely unable to start a conversation, and finally, going to karaoke nights and requesting “Gucci Gang” by Lil Pump (yuh). Benefits of a friendship with yours truly include: copious amounts of supportive chants in the background of an altercation and/or fight, including comments like “yeah, what she said” or “just pull some hair already!”; as well as access to free pizza (at Riggio readings– next one is coming up, be there everyone).
Please get back to me as soon as you see this, so that our friendship can blossom like the cherry trees outside, and then we can take a truly yummy Instagram photo together next to those blossoms and hashtag it #bestfriendgoals and maybe even attach our Venmo accounts to one another’s. Fire photos don’t come easy. If Instagram photos aren’t your thing, I can also tap into my artistic energies and paint a lovely portrait of us. In a victorian style, with oil paints.
All I request in return for this friendship is the right to decline invitations to Sweetgreen, and of course, access to your immaculate hoodie selection, immediately upon request. If this is you, please reach out. I am happy to provide access to references of fellow friends from whom I have borrowed less amazing hoodies. I have an impressive return-to-borrower record, and I sometimes even give it a little spritz of perfume after washing it, so you know it’s real. What I’m saying is: I liked your hoodie, and I might be able to sell it on Poshmark (the number one source to buy and resell fashion!) to provide money to the Creative Writing Department so that we can survive our trips to artsy coffee shops and have funding for pizza. The pepperoni is an extra 75 cents.