12TH STREET: Would you like to introduce yourself?
LIZ B: Yeah, hey. I’m Liz and I’m a box of emergency contraception.
STREET: For those of us who are unfamiliar with you and your work, could you describe yourself?
LIZ: I would consider myself to be very generous and really helpful at times—a public servant of sorts. I’m short and pink. My home is kind of a wide box. I think I have a rectangular body shape, but I only get glimpses of myself when the people in red Target polos want to move me past the security mirrors. It keeps me humble. I’m still waiting to be unpackaged and swallowed, though. Then a few layers later, I’m assuming I’ll take my true form, which I think is most likely a circle.
STREET: What’s your earliest memory?
LIZ: I think my earliest memory was the security box. I’m not sure if you’ve heard about it, but in my early days at Target, I was put through a pretty difficult experience. I was shut off from the world and locked up in this plastic cage. They displayed me like I was a piece of meat, even though lunch meat is on aisle 14. I’m just trying to help people! I think that was one of the moments that really shaped me.
STREET: What are some other difficult moments for you?
LIZ: I would say having people walk past me. They stare at me for a second, only to end up with a pregnancy test or one of the other cocky Family Planning products in my row, like the condoms, who never stop talking about their size! The thing about being Plan B is that nobody wants to accept that I just want to do right by the world. If I had it my way, I wouldn’t be in a security box. I would be available to anyone who chose me. I have noticed people trying to label me with these pricey tags and it tends to make the other family planning products assume I’m uptight and judgmental. My flashy pink packaging doesn’t help with that, either. But there are good days. Like yesterday! A lady greeted all of my neighbors with curious glances, but then she eventually chose me. And that was really special. I mean she did put me back a few minutes later, but still. . .
STREET: Were you excited by the thought of being purchased?
LIZ: Oh, yes. I felt like my entire life had been leading up to that moment. She chose me! And I know what happens to us, you know? I read that if everything goes according to plan, Plan B of course, that I will be swallowed and will go down into what’s called a “stomach”. I’m pretty scared of heights, but I’ve heard stomachs are pink, too, so maybe we’ll have some things in common.
STREET: What are some misconceptions people have about you?
LIZ: I would say the most popular one is that I’m for stupid people. Or, that if you take me too many times your fertility will be affected, but that’s not true. I’ve had some very important people purchase me. You know, I used to have a shelf neighbor who got purchased by Michelle Obama. Can you imagine the honor? My other neighbor was purchased by Lindsay Lohan. Lots of important people use us—like lawyers, stay-at-home moms, and students. Also, I would never cause infertility or anything like that; it even clarifies this in my instructions. You can take me many, many times and still have no change in fertility. I’m not that kind of pill; it’s not in my nature. Hell, ask any pharmacist! But, I’m still trying to combat all the misconceptions about me. It’s something I’ve been on a personal journey with my instructions about. They’ve really been a great support system for me when I doubt my self-worth ($47.49).
STREET: Are you excited for the moment that your job will be finished?
LIZ: I’m excited and nervous. It’s bittersweet because I’ll know when my job is done, but I don’t know when that time will be. I’m hoping it’s before my expiration date, so my shelf-life can be of some purpose, but I really won’t know until I’m purchased. And impatience is no way to live, so I’m just taking things one day at a time. But when I am done with my purpose in life, to be swallowed, that one area of anxiety will be over. And then, you know, I’ll have to worry about the long fall to the stomach. But I think after that, I’ll be at peace with what I become once I’ve been digested and finally flushed: a martyr.
SPEED ROUND
STREET: Do you think it’s true that “you are what you eat”?
LIZ: No.
STREET: True or False: everything happens for a reason.
LIZ: False.
STREET: Are you a Democrat or Republican?
LIZ: Hmm. Neither.
STREET: Do you think people should come with instructions, too?
LIZ: No.
STREET: Are you ever afraid you’ll cause an irregular menstrual cycle?
LIZ: Oh absolutely, but that’s a fear that comes with the job, I suppose.
STREET: What’s your favorite color?
LIZ: Yellow.
STREET: What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen?
LIZ: Oh, you don’t even want to know.